Things you may not know about me #4

[a_natural_beauty]

I'm childless and happy that way.

For the majority of my life I never felt the want or need to have children or to become a mom. There was two times where I thought for a short amount of time I might want to be a mother and have a family - the one being where I was in my early 20's and lived out on my own and with my boyfriend at the time and really was getting into that whole domestic thing - even through ironically he was never home. Which that plus some other part of our relationship lead to us ending things and me buying my home. It's even more ironic that now he is happily married with a child when that was the future I wanted with him but he didn't want with me. Eh, these things are what lead us to different and better paths eventually. It's funny how life turns out.
And the second time I was out of my control with my hormones. If I ever feel comfortable to write about it I will share it in a private post to those of you I feel comfortable with knowing that part of my life... But to put it simply - it was a lonely and difficult time for me full of a roller coaster of emotions. In my brain I didn't want a baby, but my physical body wanted it. I think this was the worst agony I've ever personally gone through.

I do give so much respect to all of the moms out there - to me parenting and raising a little one is one of the most intense things one could possibly go through. I do get there are many rewards and feelings of happiness, too. It's just never felt like a way I want my destiny & future to go.
I'm sure most of you who have known me for a bit of time know this already, but I felt like this was an okay topic to write about. I don't know if I need to go into this any further and that's okay, too.

Comments

[matt_zimmer]

I don't have kids either. I don't think I'd be very good at raising them. I'd try to be their friend and refuse to b.s. them which would warp them. Gilda and Bernadette's fucked up relationship is sort of me putting why I don't have kids right there on the page.

[yourlibrarian]

I don't think you need to go into it anymore if you don't want to. I have been childless by choice my whole life and had a tubal ligation very early. I never had any interest in children or motherhood and also felt much better knowing that, as uncertain as the future is, one big derailment in any plans would not be kids.

Your discussion of the two times you wondered about doing so reminded me of a friend who did want kids with her first husband, and they even planned where they would go and what they'd do to create a domestic life. To keep things short, they ended up divorcing and he lived out their plans with someone else. Even at the time of her marriage she realized that much of what kept her in the relationship was that desire for motherhood as time ticked on. Later when she met her second husband, who didn't want kids, she discovered that it really wasn't necessary for her any more either. They've been happily married for over 25 years now and she's glad they didn't go that route.

[adafrog]

I think children are a personal choice (usually). When I was younger people would say 'oh, you'll change your mind, blah blah blah' So frustrating because they just couldn't see any POV except their own.

As to your hard section of life- {{{hugs}}}

[brisus]

Sounds like you dealt with some heavy things previously. I think what is important is that you're confident and comfortable with your decision (to have or not have kids). No one should be able to force that upon you.

Thanks for sharing this. I feel like I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum--My brain tells me I want kids, but my body refuses.

[a_natural_beauty]

Yeah, I think I would either be a good cop or a bad cop depending on who the other partner would be. And I hate to be mean and strict so that would just make me sad at the end of the day I think. :-/

Haha! But I like their relationship - I feel like that's a fun side to Gilda & Meek - how everyone has a different relationship with Bernadette!

[a_natural_beauty]

Thank you. Yes, the future is a very scary and uncertain place. I once went on some dates with a guy who tried convincing me that having kids and raising them to love and care for each other and the planet would help with that. But it just felt like a strange argument to me. *shrugs*

Yes, that sounds very similar to me. Mostly I think he liked having me around was because he was gone many days out of the week, sometimes weeks at a time and I lived at his house. I felt like I was mostly there to care for and be in the house while he was gone for work.
I'm glad things worked out for her. :-) Thanks for sharing her story, that makes me feel less alone. Marriage sounds nice.

[a_natural_beauty]

Yes, I hate how people refer to that with so many topics in life - from politics to religious views to whatever lifestyle one choses. It is similar to them pushing their lifestyle views on whoever which honestly is a pretty manipulative way to go about it!

**hugs back!**

[a_natural_beauty]

Thank you, I appreciate that. Mostly society makes it hard at time with their standards.

Huh, that isn't good! Have you thought about writing out your feelings more to yourself to read over? Weigh the pros and cons and what would make you happy. That's how I make big choices at times.

[matt_zimmer]

The thing about Bernadette that I always try to show, is that as a child, the one consistent thing about her life is that all the adults in it are failing her. Every time.

[a_natural_beauty]

She is a pretty complicated character! I feel like there is a-lot of depth to your characters but especially to her! :)

[matt_zimmer]

Aw shucks!

[adafrog]

Yes.

:D

[brisus]

Indeed. Society isn't much kinder to those who can't have children.

I do write things out here in my journal once in while. I've dealt with infertility for 12 years, so I'm a bit bitter. I'm turning 40 soon, so that choice will be made for me. Children would be a blessing, but that just may not be the plan for me. One day I hope to better understand the bigger picture. The pros of this is that I can dedicate more time to my one and my husband.

[zefyr]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts regarding this topic. It's often not the easiest to speak about, as there's some social pressure and taboo involved. I don't believe people should be pressured to have children or not; we all lead such different lives, it's difficult to say whether it'd be a positive thing for someone to bring a child into the world. Each person has their own journey in life that may or may not include them. I think it is and should be an ideal, though, and do believe that we can live in a world where more people want to have children. That's another world, but I believe it's possible.

Personally, I never wanted a child in my early adulthood. I was terrified of it due to my own experience of father-son relations. It's only recently I've felt like I'd very much like to be a father myself, but I look around me, and I really wouldn't want to bring a child into this world. Things are getting worse and worse, and I'd have to be there for them and wouldn't want them to go through anything so painful as the loss of a loved one at an early age. It's painful enough to lose a loved one due to something like cancer or heart disease or something, but it's another to lose them at the hands of other human beings. Human life is the most important thing, and I believe it must be protected at all costs. The Jains says that it's the function of souls to help one another.

[a_natural_beauty]

You're welcome! :-p

[a_natural_beauty]

Gosh, I am sorry to hear this. It's always one of the most painful things to want something so bad and never be able to get it, no matter what the situation is. **hugs**

I'm here if you ever want to or need someone to talk to.

[a_natural_beauty]

Thank you for always being so understanding about my posts. I couldn't agree with your words more.

That is a pretty strong second argument I have, too. I've actually lost four siblings and it's one of the worst experiences my parents have gone through... words can't explain it enough. I can't image what it must be like to burry a child/young adult.
But also just the climate and global warming... that scares me just in my lifetime. But to have a child and have them go through a worse climate than I have - that freaks me out on a new level. There has been some progress, but not enough to fix things and the future seems very uncertain.

[brisus]

Thanks for being so kind. It can be a difficult place to be.

I appreciate the listening ear. :)

[a_natural_beauty]

Of course, I can only image how difficult it must be.
Take care of yourself :-)