a_natural_beauty

This week I'm going to write a review soon - but I wanted to take a break and just write what's been on my mind lately. It's nice to take breaks from the reviews and just let whatever flow out of me and on here. I visualize myself in a sea and letting the current take me away. Not a bad thought, I actually went swimming on the east coast when I visited the outer banks once and it was pleasant.

Anyway - I wanted to start off by saying that lately I have been feeling more grateful than I have in the past for being present in the here and now. For those of you who don't know - I live alone, in a big old house that has far too many rooms and space for just one woman. When I bought this house over 10 years ago (2012 was when I bought it) I left a relationship that I was in for over two years. A relationship that after I was in a house on my own with a significant other and doing all those little domestic things, I felt like I wanted to get married and have a family. I was just 21 when I moved out and this was a first experience for me. Before when I was younger the idea of getting married and having kids scared me. He did not, and so that among other things (we were not perfect people, we both had our flaws back then) ended the relationship and I had some options - I could rent an apartment or house somewhere, I could move back home (I think my parents offered) or I could buy a place of my own. So I picked buying my own home. It was hard to find somewhere I could afford , but luckily with my loan I got from the bank, working a ton of extra hours so I didn't completely drain my savings and checking account and finding a house that was in my price range it all worked out.

I remember being angry mostly - that the house I lived in with my ex was going to not be my home and that a relationship I put a-lot of effort and care into fell apart. So when my dad knew of this house and the owner, we got to meet with him and see it. It was december/january - the timing is still sort of a fog, but there was snow on the ground, on the house, in the trees. It felt weird pulling in the driveway with my dad and going through this empty old home. But it felt comforting. I remember us getting there first and peeking in all the windows, making guesses on this and that. After so many bad memories of my last failed relationship, I wanted to make this house into a home for me and whatever my future held. So I told him I was interested after the tour and we got things set up with my bank and I bought it directly from the owner. He asked me if I was doing this on my own and when I responded yes he dropped the price a bit and told me to never live here alone. I sort of laughed at that, but here I am, all this time later knowing exactly what he meant.

Now how I got on this topic - I actually was thinking of writing for a few days now, but it came to me as I sat in my yard today trying to draw my house from two different views. But I felt like this house deserved a journal. I've been here so long, I don't know if I will be here as long as I am living, but this house has become a safe haven to me in a sense. I've had a few relationships since I bought this house that were scary, stressful, unknown and just unhealthy and I wonder how worse off my life would have been if I bought houses with these men. We both had our issues - I was in the wrong, too. With each one. This isn't blaming them, but saying that I might of had to start over again like I did once before if it wasn't for owning my own place. I know of many in these situations and it is heartbreaking.

And over time I would blame myself for buying this house alone - for feeling sad I haven't gotten married or had kids to raise here. Somedays I would come home and just be so depressed I'd sleep on my couch because sleeping is a way to escape reality. And sometimes it still hurts and I think it will on and off for who knows how long, but at the same time I'm glad that my life is the way it is now. Sitting in the grass today and studding my house to draw made me think it again. When I hear stories of women who are in domestic violent relationships and trapped. At least when things got bad either both of us or one of us had the courage to say quits. Luckily each time they had somewhere to go and left me in peace when the pain of the relationship finally faded away.

This journal has gotten far longer than what I first thought! But overall message - even if something seems lonely and unknown at first, sometimes it is best to just go for it with your eyes closed. Take that leap, because looking back, you may learn more about yourself than you ever did before.