a_natural_beauty | Entries tagged with thoughts

I've been meaning to write about topics from my childhood for some time now. I figured writing about something lighthearted like that might be good. For those of you who may not know I am 37 now. I grew up in the 90's. We didn't have a-lot of money, I would consider us lower income. We weren't able to stay on the computer for long - and honestly I don't think we liked to stay on all that much anyway.
I can't remember much when it comes to what sort of computer we had while growing up. It was pretty basic and starting off we mostly just had regular CD games for it. Some were educational games, some were demos and introductions to games we couldn't afford or get but overall most of them were Sim games. I think it started off with Sim safari and Sim park. Then it grew into the other Sim games like streets of Sim city and Sim copter. The titles make them pretty easy to understand but basically you created a park or a city and did stuff in it. Or in the case of Sim copter or Streets of Sim city - you would ride around in said vehicle and do whatever you wanted honestly. Sometimes I would just do my own thing - other times I would follow along with what the game asked of me. I loved Sim park and Sim safari the best, because of the animals -let's be honest - even as an adult I am a sucker for games or anything based around animals. I also played the Creatures game where you had an egg that hatched into a cute little monster like critter. Then you raised that creature along with others in this fantasy world. I also liked two other games - the one being called Afterlife in which you created a heaven and hell. I'm a bit surprised my parents let me get this game. At times it was somewhat complicated for me but I still enjoyed it overall. And the other one I also enjoyed playing was a game about the Titanic. It was mystery that you were on the ship and like an undercover spy and had to solve a mystery before the ship sank. I could never complete it regardless what I did. But it was a neat game and I was always interested in that famous sinking.
I wish I could remember more of the names of the games we had for our computer back then. At times I will catch myself thinking of them and trying to remember some details but it gets to be foggy at times. It was an interesting time to be a kid - having the in-between of growing up with little to no technology to then becoming a older child into adult and slowly getting into it over the years. We had dial up for the longest time and it was fine, taught us patience. I think I will write about more of my computer games that were downloaded and not on CDs another time soon.
Do you guys have any games from your childhood you'd like to share about? Computer or otherwise?

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: instrumental music

My father is a veteran. He severed in Vietnam. I figured this would be a good one to write about since it is Memorial day. Growing up we didn't talk much about it. We knew as kids (my sister and I) it was something he did. But topics like that and other wars weren't discussed much. It was just a hard topic to talk about with two young girls growing up. He was a veteran service officer for quite awhile. That was a job where he helped other veterans with their doctor apportionment, mental health related care, driving them to apportionments, applying for benefits and I'm sure there was other things I just can't think of them off the top of my head. It was a good job, one he was able to retire from comfortably at an early age.
Recently he has talked to me more about his experiences more. This past winter we actually had some good conversations - things he told me that he has told hardly anyone else. About some of the stuff that went down and what he had to do, how he dealt with it over there. It was basically kids over there fighting a war that they had nothing to do with. To be taken to a strange and unknown place, face danger and death almost daily. To survive and come back to their home and have slurs used against them, trash thrown at them and be hatted for something they had no control over. What a warm welcome indeed.
I could talk more about this, but I feel I want to keep what I know about my dad and his experiences private. I respect him to no ends and now I am here as his daughter as someone to listen to him in his aging years of a time that changed him in a way that no one should ever have to go through.

Current Mood: thoughtful

I'm grateful I have moments throughout the day for quite, alone time when I need it. I'm not a huge people person. I get drained out and tired of a-lot of noise, a-lot of conversations, constant time around others. I'm sure there are those who love to be around people and to be alone is lonely and unbearable.
But for me I love to have my time here and there alone to recharge and just have my own space. I've always been sort of a loner so I think this is just second nature for me. But as I've gotten older and work at a busy job 8 hours a day and then sometimes having a social life afterwards -I just need some time in-between to breath and get some R&R.
How many of you guys are like this? Or know someone that is similar to me in this sense?

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Classical music

One goal I want to do in the future is read more banned books. This seems to have gotten more popular over the years and I am happy to see it. Those who wish to band any works of literature regardless of who wrote them and what the subject may be are people who I will never understand.
Back in 2020 I watched the show The handmaids tale. And it completely captured me. I think after the events of January 6th especially. As I watched the show I had the sinking feeling: "this could actually happen... help us all". I know it's a show that isn't for everyone. When I've mentioned it to some - the reactions are of shock and questioning like "You know women get R*#^& in that show, right?!" Yeah... I know. There are many things that happen that are hard to swallow. I think to date it's the darkest show I ever watched. Then I joined fellow handmaid groups on facebook and I learned it's a book series by a woman named Margret Atwood.
It took me a few more years, but I finally found the Handmaids tale back in July while on a trip with Mike and we stopped at a cool little bookstore. Gosh, it was a hard read at times. There were times where I had to put it down for day without picking it up again. But I finished it and I am so glad that I did. Next up! The testaments. This one was also slow and hard to read at times, but eventually it gets more... strong, hopeful are words I would use to describe it. It was well over twice the size of the fist one, but covered many different characters as opposed to the fist book that covered Offred. And after finishing that I was grateful and glad I did.
I do recommend reading these books, but do be cautious as you read them. They are very heavy ones. Also the show is good in it's own way. But heavy and dark, too. There were a good number of differences from the show to the books... But I think each was good in it's own way.

https://www.penguin.co.uk/articles/2019/09/margaret-atwood-handmaids-tale-testaments-real-life-inspiration

Current Mood: good

My sexuality. I believe I am pansexual. All my life I have been attracted to whoever I am attracted with (a saying I've found online "If we vibe, we vibe" basically). For years I've been sort of confused about if I was considered Bisexual or Pansexual. But I think Pansexual relates to how I feel more. It can be as simple as the way someone may talk to how they dress, their sense of style... or even just who they are as a person. I've found myself liking similar people and then at other times totally opposite people.
I have had little to no experience with others besides males. Mostly due to where I live. When I did online dating and tried dating women it was few and far between finding anyone that we clicked. I do find myself mostly attracted to males and I think that comes down to because that's what I've always known.
Currently I am in a healthy relationship so I don't think I will be looking or exploring this any further. But I felt this was an important topic to openly talk about. I recently read The handmaids tale and The testaments by Margret Atwood - where in those stories it is not acceptable to have such feelings. And I plan on writing my next comic fury review this week about a comic that deals with sexuality as somewhat a main theme. Also with the political world today as it is - gender and sexuality is a very touchy subject to some. I like to be cautious, but in these days even more now than others.
All my life I have been pretty private about my feelings and thoughts. Mostly due to a bad experience I had as a teen with a sibling asking about it in a somewhat aggressive way. I don't want to have to go through that again if I can help it. So I only find myself talking about my sexuality when around those who have open hearts. Don't feel bad about my past experiences, I think it was something that shaped me into who I am today.
I found this article talking about the differences between bisexual and pansexual to read before I wrote this. It was written last year, but may be helpful to some of you: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/bisexual-vs-pansexual#fa-qs

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Pandora - A fine frenzy station

Awhile back, what maybe two weeks ago now...?? I watched a movie at random with my boyfriend Mike. It was a random movie that my parents gave us to sell in the yard sale back in June. It didn't sell and we figured we'd watch it at some point, so I kept it. He rolled a dice to see what movie we'd watch out of I think five choices. And it went on this random movie called "A bag of hammers": A film by Brian Crano.

This little rant will have spoilers, you have been warned ~

On the DVD cover it is a bright background, yellow with a bit going on... three of the main characters and some random other things like hammers, ect. "A comedy about good times and grand theft" they say... Okay, so we thought this was a comedy... boy, if could we ever be wrong about anything, it was this movie and the the label "Comedy". This was one of the most recent depressing and heart wrenching movies I've seen. I got teary eyed two or three times. On the back is also the misleading sentence "Featuring touching performances from it's young cast, A bad of hammers is a hilarious offbeat comedy about learning life's hard lessons."

So we put it in and gave it a watch. The start of the film made me laugh a few times, but then slowly we got into darker waters - murky waters it was starting to feel like. The two main characters make a living off of stealing cars and live a somewhat dull, quite life. But the one guy had a relationship end to this, the first car we actually see them steal is his ex's who they confront at her dad's funeral nonetheless and she lets them have it! Then we meet more characters - a waitress at a small dinner who is the one guys sister. And these two main characters have a house next to theirs that they own and rent out. So this is where the other main character comes in, a boy and his mother who came here after a hurricane destroyed their home. Already we see that they are struggling since she mentions how she is late on rent or needs some money and will pay it back from her landlords - which to me honestly takes some nerve. Just to ask or assume someone will give you a large sum of money is a bit disgusting if you ask me.

But anyway, as the movie goes on we see this boy who lives next door struggle. He gets bulled at school, seems to have no friends, has a terrible home life. His mother is trying to find jobs that she isn't qualitied for because as the interviews go on and they ask her these questions she only responds with things like "I like to help people". At first you feel a bit sorry for her, but as time goes on she proves that it's difficult to keep feeling this way. She's verbally abusive to her son, not keeping food in the house, not keeping things clean. The waitress I mentioned earlier finds this out while being invited inside for a soda and makes a call to have someone come and do an investigation. On and off everyone around them sees the mother as she verbally abusive her son. She even sneaks into the landlord's home to take a check back or steal money, honestly we aren't sure because they come in and find her in their house unexpected. And she claims she came for eggs. Then when the subject of rent is due she suggests sleeping with them.. in order to pay, I assume... it was a painful and weird scene to watch. As the movie goes on things go from bad to worse and one thing leads to another and then we find out she takes her own life!

Now the two young men are left with a bad situation - they have to report this - but will they keep the kid or let him go into foster care? They both had bad experiences from foster care and the one is more hesitant than the other about this choice. The boy then stays at their place for the time being. They eventually have to tell him about his mom, while out at the dinner with the waitress. He can order anything he wants, which in itself is heartbreaking because throughout the movie you can tell he isn't given much food or choice to food at all. And here is where the movie finally announces the title. They talk to the boy about how life will sometimes hand you a bag of hammers and it all depends on how you use those hammers. I've never heard this expression before, but it seems to fit this strangely sad and messed up moment we now have been brought to. The kid asks to stay with them and they keep him for a short while before the two young men have a fight about their situation. One wants to keep the kid and the other doesn't. Eventually they make up and decide to keep the kid, give him the best life they can with what they have. Which honestly is a much more happier fate for this kid than he had with his mother.

The final part of this movie was about the school finding out now where this kid lived and taking him away. When the teacher asks the kid about where he would want to be, what would make him feel happy basically. The kid talks about how he's felt unwanted so much of his life and he's finally wanted now by these two guys who he looks up to. Then we get this weird sort of rush of moments and experiences for the boy and all of the people he knows - from the waitress to these two new guys - and how happy he is. From birthdays, to telling them to stop stealing cars, to daily living together, to seeing the waitress finish college, to the boy growing up finally happy with a good, solid support system - it was unexpected, emotional and heartfelt beyond words. But then we find out it was all just a dream, or a daydream... or a wish on what could have been... Back to reality now and He goes into some sort of foster system that is pretty bad considering how he looks and talks when we see him being asked questions about it by a social worker. Something damaged him there. They said they have a set up a new family for him to go to. Then we find out it's the two young men! Happily he goes with them and they have a good life together. At the end they show the boy grown up and going off to college with a guitar strapped on his back. Both the guys are there, aged but proud and excited for their adoptive son's next new chapter.

And that was it! "A bag of hammers" was a movie honestly I wasn't expecting and now I think it's one of my new favorites. It was NOT the comedy they said it would be - but something to me made it feel all the more better. Real. Which I will take anyway over a comedy. Secretly I love movies, music, art and books that make me think and feel. And this one completely did that. I'm not a huge movie person, usually I fall asleep halfway through most movies I watch these days (My couch is too comfortable) but this movie kept me awake and engaged. I feel like what I said about it doesn't give it justice. I'd say give it a watch and see how you like it, but be warned - you might get teary eyed or cry. And that's okay. This movie goes to show you that we know little of those around us until we take the time to be there for them, listen to them and care for them.

Current Mood: satisfied

I will make this one brief, but I wanted to just say how grateful I am things are looking better than I original thought they would for Kamala Harris and Tim Walz! Regardless of what was going to happen, if Joe would have stayed in the race I would have still voted for him. The views and beliefs I have will always line up with the democratic party. And I liked Joe Biden. But I feel like he did the best job and choice he could have.
And now we hand the torch to Kamala and Tim. Both people I can stand behind and believe in. I'm feeling more of a fighting spirit, more motivated and happier about things. We can't afford anther Trump presidency. Things around the world and the climate are too far gone to go back to what we had. We need to think about each other on this planet earth and our environment as a whole.
If you have different views than me and have seen this post and gaged - don't worry. I don't like to post political stuff too often, but I feel like this has been on my heart strings for a few days now and I wanted to write about it. We can still be friends and have different views, I have always believed in this. I'll respect you and yours and you respect me and mine. Thanks for reading this little power rant and have a good day & weekend wherever you are :-)

Current Mood: energetic

Today while at work (I work at a drug and alcohol rehab as a housekeeper) I was talking with some of the patients as I cleaned in the kitchen and we talked about hate. Somehow the subject got started and we all mentioned how it takes a-lot to truly hate someone. How it takes so much energy out of us. It isn't worth it. And the one woman just simply said "Hate is a waste of time." And I felt that. Deeply. Over the years I've had some people wrong me and I've wronged others and I know these things may happen again. But why not live in a world where we forgive more often? To hold a grudge and just think negatively about someone feels so harmful to our own mental health.

I don't have a ton of time to write, but I at least wanted to share this one because it felt important.

Current Mood: hopeful

So the last post I wrote about my personal life being a "weird week" or something similar wasn't anything compared to my news I got last weekend! I can't go into details, but I've been pretty stressed out to say the least. About that I plan on now just trying to trust that things will turn out in my favor and everything will be back to normal in the end.

Now I shall write about some little ways I've been getting my mind off of things while I'm here at home to help:

In the meantime I have been getting back into working on Promised Memories - I'm on chapter 10! The last chapter to finish part one! That's been an experience in itself. Come December/January it'll be a year for me working on it. It really gives me a sense of accomplishment. I'm aiming for two pages a week to upload.

A few nights ago I got out a puzzle to work on. That was more peaceful than I thought it would be. No idea why or how, but putting a puzzle together makes me feel cozy and calm. So I plan on doing this a few times a week. This one is inside a solar green house and has some peacocks among all sorts of plant life, a gazebo and a bridge.

Also there is my endless stamps! I've been sorting through envelopes of stamps I've gotten in trades. Oh how I love that hobby, too. This also helped me a few years ago when I was going through a very difficult time in my life for other reasons.

And lastly turning on my radio to just listen to music. I did this yesterday and today when I came home from work and the randomness of what songs would play and the cheesy d.j. just put my mind at ease. It's funny and slightly embarrassing to admit this, but I don't care.... I also sometimes just dance around while I listen to whatever is playing. As long as I like it. And that is sort of stress reliver, too.

Oh - and also a side note: My doctors visit went well. I'm on a medication once a day. In December I go back to see if my tsh levels went down. But I feel like I have more energy lately. This past week I think I only took once nap - which is a huge improvement.

There you have it! My life has gotten pretty unexpected in the last few weeks, but I'm still here hanging on and doing the best I can. I hope everyone that reads these and just everyone in general is doing as well as they can be. Life really can be difficult and scary and unknown all at once. But it is also short. So I don't want to make myself sick by worrying about the unknown.

Current Mood: okay

This week I'm going to write a review soon - but I wanted to take a break and just write what's been on my mind lately. It's nice to take breaks from the reviews and just let whatever flow out of me and on here. I visualize myself in a sea and letting the current take me away. Not a bad thought, I actually went swimming on the east coast when I visited the outer banks once and it was pleasant.

Anyway - I wanted to start off by saying that lately I have been feeling more grateful than I have in the past for being present in the here and now. For those of you who don't know - I live alone, in a big old house that has far too many rooms and space for just one woman. When I bought this house over 10 years ago (2012 was when I bought it) I left a relationship that I was in for over two years. A relationship that after I was in a house on my own with a significant other and doing all those little domestic things, I felt like I wanted to get married and have a family. I was just 21 when I moved out and this was a first experience for me. Before when I was younger the idea of getting married and having kids scared me. He did not, and so that among other things (we were not perfect people, we both had our flaws back then) ended the relationship and I had some options - I could rent an apartment or house somewhere, I could move back home (I think my parents offered) or I could buy a place of my own. So I picked buying my own home. It was hard to find somewhere I could afford , but luckily with my loan I got from the bank, working a ton of extra hours so I didn't completely drain my savings and checking account and finding a house that was in my price range it all worked out.

I remember being angry mostly - that the house I lived in with my ex was going to not be my home and that a relationship I put a-lot of effort and care into fell apart. So when my dad knew of this house and the owner, we got to meet with him and see it. It was december/january - the timing is still sort of a fog, but there was snow on the ground, on the house, in the trees. It felt weird pulling in the driveway with my dad and going through this empty old home. But it felt comforting. I remember us getting there first and peeking in all the windows, making guesses on this and that. After so many bad memories of my last failed relationship, I wanted to make this house into a home for me and whatever my future held. So I told him I was interested after the tour and we got things set up with my bank and I bought it directly from the owner. He asked me if I was doing this on my own and when I responded yes he dropped the price a bit and told me to never live here alone. I sort of laughed at that, but here I am, all this time later knowing exactly what he meant.

Now how I got on this topic - I actually was thinking of writing for a few days now, but it came to me as I sat in my yard today trying to draw my house from two different views. But I felt like this house deserved a journal. I've been here so long, I don't know if I will be here as long as I am living, but this house has become a safe haven to me in a sense. I've had a few relationships since I bought this house that were scary, stressful, unknown and just unhealthy and I wonder how worse off my life would have been if I bought houses with these men. We both had our issues - I was in the wrong, too. With each one. This isn't blaming them, but saying that I might of had to start over again like I did once before if it wasn't for owning my own place. I know of many in these situations and it is heartbreaking.

And over time I would blame myself for buying this house alone - for feeling sad I haven't gotten married or had kids to raise here. Somedays I would come home and just be so depressed I'd sleep on my couch because sleeping is a way to escape reality. And sometimes it still hurts and I think it will on and off for who knows how long, but at the same time I'm glad that my life is the way it is now. Sitting in the grass today and studding my house to draw made me think it again. When I hear stories of women who are in domestic violent relationships and trapped. At least when things got bad either both of us or one of us had the courage to say quits. Luckily each time they had somewhere to go and left me in peace when the pain of the relationship finally faded away.

This journal has gotten far longer than what I first thought! But overall message - even if something seems lonely and unknown at first, sometimes it is best to just go for it with your eyes closed. Take that leap, because looking back, you may learn more about yourself than you ever did before.