a_natural_beauty

Getting back on here after a few days offline I figured I would write a post about art and how I feel it can give us all who create it purpose. I know that introduction sentence may come off a bit mellow dramatic, but it feels right to me. So bring it on.

After being back online in the community of writing and sharing my comic as well as reading others, it has opened my mind up again to a new creative type in the world. We may go by all different titles... story tellers, creators, artists, authors... I feel there are many more. I feel we open up a part of ourselves to the world we decide to share our art and stories to.

For me there was a time in my early life when as a mid to late teenager I had few friends. The ones I did have were good to me and we had good memories I look back on. But there was a bigger part of my soul I opened up from time to time. And that was writing stories and starting to create comics. Alone I would sit in my room, or in whatever room in my parents house at the time and I would just write and draw. I was highly influenced by anime and manga and some American cartoons and comics, as well as the random graphic novel I would pick up. These would inspire me and I felt that someday maybe I could do what they have done. As I created these comics I felt connected to the characters, the world and the possibility that I could do whatever I wanted with it. It was a secretive and powerful feeling. And now as an older adult about 20 years later and I have been looking over and reading my old creations of Promised Memories I can feel who I was back then. Even now I have a pretty quite social circle and just like back then, these stories and comics are giving me a certain calm in this crazy, fast paced world we live in. If that makes sense and doesn't sound weird at all.

It was a safe place for me. And even now, I have a-lot to be grateful for and happy about - but I can still find myself being depressed from time to time and when I do, falling back into my stories and focusing on them has given me a feeling of purpose. I live alone, some days it is pleasant and other days it is sad. On those sad days I can turn my thoughts and energy to my comic, story, characters and word I created.

I don't want this post to be looked on with pity. But just to express myself and how I feel some days. I feel as creators we can all be sensitive and I feel at least one of you reading this may relate. The world feels like a harsh place at times. It gives me comfort to know I can hide in one of my stories, comics and world for awhile and forget about all that is around me.

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Pandora - Iron and Wine station

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

jasonderoga86

This week was a big eye-opener for me as far as mental health goes. I had two appointments after my flopped one a week ago to this day, and luckily I was able to keep both of them. The first was with a new case manager; I had one before, but he was incredibly emotionally and psychologically abusive and had retaliated twice when I reported him. He also mocked me because I had published my own comics and yet didn't fit his idea of a mature young man. Eventually my father and I civilly confronted him and spoke with his supervisor to have me switched to a new one. Seeing as he saw my father as a kindred soul in that he too is highly critical of me and condescends to me all the time (it's a long story, but he's the reason for my current mental state), he tried to paint me as a baby who won't grow up and how he thought his drill sergeant-like method was supposed to help me. Yeah, "help", he said. Calling me a "whiny little bitch" is NOT Mental Health Professional 101. Neither is lying about such abuse and gaslighting the client, which is me. My dad saw through it and calmly told him this wasn't working. When all was said and done, this guy tried one last time to gaslight me into saying I was at fault for not meeting him at our last appointment. Knowing he was lying as I HAD called him on appointment day and he said he'd call back, then left me in the dark for four months until he finally called back upon learning that I had filed a grievance against him, I decided to play it civil myself by saying that BOTH of us had a failure to communicate -- subtly implying that he failed to call me back, and I "failed" to call him back for not doing what he promised. My father refused to take his side, and I could see that even though the asshole said he wasn't mad about all of this, his expression -- furrowed eyebrows and a clearly frustrated tone of voice -- he was lying to the very end. I was finally rid of him. And not a moment too soon, as he had traumatized me for 10 years, shattering my confidence in the mental health care system and thus making me hesitant to even consider a new case manager, which after much convincing I decided to do. To place your trust in someone whose job it is to help you through your mental health problems -- not to mention you're PAYING them to do so -- and then that someone decides to treat you like a sub-human being behind closed doors with profane insults and even threaten you improve quickly (or, in this case, the guy "would get on [my] ass"), is an experience I wouldn't wish on ANYONE. But now his supervisor is aware of what he's done, and it's permanently on his record. I shared this story with Matt and Jazz, as they were literally the shoulders for me to cry on and find my resolve.

After I had filed the grievance against this guy in early July, I had soon been promoted at my job to a position helping our participants in their classes at our program. It was then that I felt a freedom that I had never known for the past decade because of this horrible experience. My cousin from Minnesota had just graduated with his Masters in Fine Arts degree here in Oakland, California, and after I helped him clear out his studio prior to him eventually returning home to Minnesota, he was the one who encouraged me to block the ex-case manager's number and also to follow Matt and Jazz's advice and hold him to account. As thanks, and also as congratulations for his graduation, I gave him a complimentary copy of Sneakers' U-Force Vol. 1 as my gift to him. Afterwards, in the coming months I had renewed energy to really start cranking out more comics. Soon I had completed Sneakers' U-Force Vol. 2, and not long after that I finally finished something I had started way back in 2012: the second volume for the sequel to my other main series Lil' Hero Artists, titled Curse of Creation. Completing both of these volumes filled me with a sense of accomplishment I hadn't felt in such a long time.

My art had brought me comfort and a sense of meaning and purpose once again, and it also led me to meet such wonderful people in the process, among which are Matt, Jazz, Twedee, Jasper, Sarah, and yourself as well. Though the world outside -- this country and the globe as a whole -- is indeed looking seriously ugly, I always find comfort in my creations, and the joy of creating art itself. I'm not really religious, but I do believe there is a Higher Power/God that creates, and therefore we, as extensions of that Higher Power/God, are also blessed with the ability to create in our own way. Another friend of mine who has a comic on Webtoon called Good Words with Sako stresses the importance of building instead of destroying in order to achieve a sense of peace and serenity, and serenity to me also implies the Serenity Prayer, something I recently rediscovered, as you know. As long as my focus is fixed on my art and my life mission to help others and leave a positive legacy (using my art to do so if possible, such as at my job), that's all I need. Yeah, I'll vote and stand up against injustice, but honestly that's all I can really do. I can't stop the hate raging in this country and abroad all by myself. I can't stop world "leaders" from this asinine global territorial gang violence they call "war". So I let it go. There's a saying for those who feel overwhelmed by all the strife in the world: "Let go and let God." So I let it go.

From:

matt_zimmer

You are so amazing, Nana.

From:

a_natural_beauty

Wow, I was shocked as I read what you just shared with me about your new case manger. That is absolutely horrible, and that is putting it lightly. I'm proud of you that you have found such success with your comic and have made some lasting relationships with your comics. I find it inspiring.

As with so many of your writings, you bring up so many topics I haven't fully dived into mentally. The world is an ugly place honestly. Sometimes I get mixed up in my own head and my own troubles, but during that time I need to be more aware of those around me. Like you, I have met some really fantastic people online in this community.

I am also a believer in the serenity prayer. I am not a religious person - I am agonistic - but I still believe there is a higher power watching over us as best as they can. Whenever you need someone, know we are here for you. We may be miles apart, but I think you have found some good friends here on Dreamwidth among other sites. :)

From:

jasonderoga86

Actually, my new case manager is far more caring and understanding than my previous case manager. That case manager was abusive and threatening, clearly in it for the money and for the sadistic pleasure of watching me fall apart. When my dad came home from abroad in September, I told him everything. He was infuriated, and therefore came along with me to confront the guy. Seeing that he couldn't use my dad against me anymore, he had to yield to both of us, and his image at that agency has been forever marred. I was hesitant to get a new case manager, but after meeting him, I decided to give it another shot. And he's awesome. Our first in-person meeting was so liberating, I was able to unload all of my problems without any snarky comeback or profane insult. I really needed this.

From:

a_natural_beauty

I'm relived to hear this for you. :) You deserve someone who is more understanding and better for you. I mean, we all do at the end of the day. But I'm glad that things seem like they are working out better.