a_natural_beauty

Some of you may know from me mentioning it, but I have a mild hearing loss in my right ear. I'll share a bit of history before I go into what I want to and have been thinking of writing an entry for awhile now. I was born without a bone in that ear. When I was very young I had tubes put in my ears to help and I think it might have helped some, it did not cure the problem. I took speech therapy classes which I think had some positive effect the way they were done (most everything with my educational experience included) wasn't as professional as it could have been. When I got to be about 20 years old I got fitted for a hearing aide and that was a ear opening experience for sure - I heard noises I never could before. I got enrolled with a goodwill program that helped pay for my hearing aides and worked at two locations for a bit. When I was in my early 20's I took a basic sign language class with my mom. Also I took a brief educational one day class (should I even call it a class? You decide!) to learn more about hearing loss.

So lately, I'm not sure why - but lately I have been struggling more than before with my hearing, speaking and having others hear me clearly. I'm not sure if it's because sometimes I am self conscious when I am talking to some people that I am uncomfortable talking with (coworkers for example). I've noticed I have to sometimes really focus on others talking, trying to read their lips, but I have never mastered that skill. I've noticed sometimes I do talk more softly because when I talk loudly I can hear myself more and sometimes I really dislike the sound of my voice. Also I know how it feels to be talked to loudly (sometimes when others talk to me they are just about shouting because they know I have a hearing loss and think they need to shout for me to hear them which is silly unless it is somewhere noisy) and I dislike that. Wearing my hearing aide sometimes is uncomfortable. People say you get used to it, but I find this statement false. You never get used to having a piece of plastic in your ear and around your ear - at least this is how I feel. So sometimes I go without. And I do fine. Then other times I notice I should have put my hearing aide in.

Exhausting is a feeling felt more days during a week than not. Sometimes I just get into my car, or another room, or my house and just close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. Also draining. I've always felt that social events wear on me because of social anxiety I have, but now I've been thinking it might have to do with my hearing loss. Last night at a friend's birthday party I struggled to hear things and just went along with the conversation because I didn't want to disrupt the feeling and happiness everyone was feeling. The weekend before that at a new years eve party I also did the same thing. It felt too tiring to ask someone what they just said, so I listened to how the rest of the conversation went and tried to put the pieces together in my head. I feel like a burden with that question - "what did you say?". I ask it to some I am comfortable without even thinking. Background noise can be my worst enemy at times.
The last year I had several frustrating moments with my family to the point where I went into the bathroom and cried once because I was so hurt by their words. Jokes about not wearing my hearing aide around some of them still haunt me. Others like coworkers joke about it, but their words are less hurtful since they are just coworkers to me. Sometimes while in public and talking to a worker like a casher in a noisy store can be tiring, too. It's amazing what lacing a single sense can do to make a person struggle.

I guess this is just a vent more than anything else. Maybe as I'm aging I'm becoming more soft and sensitive. Which is fine, I feel as we grow we understand ourselves better. Maybe as time goes on I will dive deeper into this subject more. I read a book two years ago that the author had a very similar hearing loss to mine caused by illness and as I read it I cried a few times. I found someone similar to what I have known since birth and it felt powerful to connect to his story and struggles. Relationships and his career was the most effected. If you are curious to read it I thought I would share it for you all.

Song without words By Gerald Shea
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15843177-song-without-words