Depression

[a_natural_beauty]

When I found out this past October that I was most likely going to need to get on thyroid medication I was in shock. In all 35 years of my life I was never on medication (besides an allergy pill for a few months at a time) and the idea that my body was to depend on a pill scared me. I'm not opposed to pills or medication, I just don't like the idea for myself. I know it works for so many around the world, there's no doubting that. Here I am over 4 months later and I have seen the effects this medication has on me. I brought up a few months back about my depression and how I want to get ahold of that issue next.

My doctors visit is the day after tomorrow and I'm going to admit about my depression and how it makes me feel. That I think I need help, to talk to a professional. And that fills me with fear. I have in the past gone to therapists and counselors. They weren't the best experiences. I've been thinking maybe I should look into getting a medication for my depression. If that could help me handle it. Sometimes I am on cloud nine and then all of a sudden I get very sad and depressed. Like a snap of my fingers. Mostly this happens before my period. I hope as you guys are reading this it doesn't gross you out or feel too personal. Sorry if it has that effect. Other times it can just be when I come home to an empty house. I'm hoping that maybe by getting my betta fish that will help with some of my loneliness. At times it happens when I am sitting around others who are happily engaged in talking about their lives and future plans. Sometimes I feel like I don't have much of a future. When it hits I just get so sad. Sometimes I will just feel lost even surrounded by my loved ones. Or I'll be driving down the road and hear a song that brings me to tears. I've always felt I feel things on a deeper level and as I've been aging I feel it more intensely. Even now in writing about this and being open about it, it feels good but it still hurts so much. Hopeless is a good word to describe how I feel when it happens. I just don't know how to manage. Sleep only works so long for so much. But I have been back to taking naps again almost daily. I feel most of it comes from my head. A chemical imbalance that hopefully can be numbed.

I feel vulnerable at the thought of explaining to my doctor how this overcomes me at times. But I know it needs done. I worry about my mental health and how it's taken a toll on my physical health. Also I'm worried by going on a new medication it might change me. I mean, it'll help if that's what I need - but I guess I'm just nervous about the unknown. For those of you who have been in similar situations, what got you through? Thank you for listening to my rambling of this mess.

Comments

[adafrog]

{{{hugs}}} I was first diagnosed with OCD over 20 years ago, and was very nervous to talk to someone. Even then, though, when I beat around the bush, they figured out I had an issue and helped with with it. Now, most doctors are so used to dealing with mental health issues that it's much easier to get the point across and be able to talk about medications and what might help you.
I do also have depression and anxiety, but the meds I take for OCD are the same ones. Honestly, my biggest side effect was/is constipation, but mira lax helps with that. I also have seen some headache, stomach ache, which can go away. Never any real odd psychiatric effects (with kids, anyway). I think the biggest problem would be not working, or not working enough, which totally happens. You just work with the doctor to get the right thing(s) that work for you.

[jasonderoga86]

Hey Jess,

First off, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a tumultuous time with your mental health. I suffer from extreme depression and anxiety often, as a result of what seems to be childhood trauma. Even after 9th grade, from 2001 to now, I still haven't figured everything out. The last time I saw a therapist was back in 2003, I believe -- my therapist could no longer see me at that point because I was 18, and he was only assigned to help teens under 18 years old. My psychiatrist later retired and assigned me to a new one, but by that time I was already in my first job and could no longer be on my parents' healthcare plan.

After I quit my second job due to a mental breakdown, my mom helped me secure Social Security Disability Benefits (SSDI) to help me maintain a stable lifestyle. We also were referred to an agency in our county that specializes in mental health treatment and other services for the physically and intellectually disabled -- the same type of people I serve at my job. I was assigned a psychiatrist and a case manager who would provide therapy. As you know, over the following ten years I was treated horribly; the case manager was extremely verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. Since I was already in poor shape mentally, I couldn't find the strength to hold him to account. A friend of mine reported him without my consent because he was infuriated about my experience. To this day, that case manager holds a grudge against me for that. In 2019, he pretty much made it clear that all of the overbearing and venomous things my father and others said about me were true, and that he agreed that I was, in his words, "a whiny little bitch." I remember crying in my room one day out of the blue. I had no hope left, and I just wanted to disappear. My mom heard my cries, came to my room, and hugged me tight, assuring me that though I indeed have a mental illness, I'm still her son, and I'm loved. Fast forward to 2023, and with my dad at my side, I parted ways with the case manager. He tried to frame the whole debacle of this "partnership" on me, but Dad wasn't having it, and the case manager's supervisor also reprimanded him. I have a new case manager now; she's FAR more professional and patient, very different from the drill sergeant my first one was. But there are still some problems, namely in communication. In fact, a series of blunders on their end could cost me my current job, or at the very least I'll face some kind of disciplinary action, and my standing with the agency could be forever smeared. Imagine that; so far I've been revered as one of the hardest-working people at the agency, I've developed a deep friendship with all of our clients, and I was even been featured on the agency's website within four months of working there back in 2022.

Medication has been a headache, too. So far there's been so much switching of medications to find the right balance for my condition. And with every switch, I developed unwanted side effects; right now, I'm a little embarrassed to say that the current side effects right now are tardive dyskinesia (my jaw sometimes aches and my mouth sometimes acts on its own, i.e., tongue can't stop sticking to the roof of my mouth), and excessive sweating (right now, I have to wear two black t-shirts at work due to always feeling overheated, even in cold weather; unfortunately, the black on the t-shirts doesn't hide the soaked areas as I'm always sweating at work, even while just sitting down during our clients' classes). The fact that my psychiatry appointments are monthly is one thing, but the following lack of communication until only recently has been nothing short of a headache. It's really disheartening to be told "you are not alone" when the people responsible for helping you through a crisis can't stay in touch and tell you things after the fact, leaving YOU to pick up the pieces AND having to stay on their case so they don't forget about you. It's been extremely frustrating, but there's nothing else I can afford at the moment.

I won't be a Pollyanna and say "just think positive"; many people I know have been fed that "advice", myself included, feel like we're not being fully understood and are just disrupting everyone else's day. But I'm glad you're taking the first steps toward getting the help you need -- the help you DESERVE. It took a lot of courage for me to do that back in 2001, and though I've barely made any progress and was a victim of callous racial and mental stigmatization last September, I'm grateful that I at least was able to admit to myself that yes, I'm NOT okay, and that I am entitled to assistance to get me healed up and to live the best life I can. It's not a perfect solution, but it IS better than throwing in the towel and letting my life be lived for me.

I hope that you get the help you need, that you DESERVE, so you can reach a place of peace. You ARE entitled to that, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[matt_zimmer]

Jess, I'm a guy, and I want to tell you there is NOTHING gross or wrong about talking about your period. It's a natural bodily function that sometimes effects mood. Any guy who is uncomfortable with it? That's THEIR problem, not yours. You do not have to apologize for "grossing them out" when there is nothing gross about it.

What kills me about so many guys being all "TMI!" about this is most males are very loud and talkative about their own bodily functions. If they weren't, I'd take their cries for propriety a little more seriously. While they do the loud routines about farts, shit, jizz, and piss they do, you can safely ignore them and talk about what you need to.

I hope you feel better. But more I hope you understand you are allowed to feel sad sometimes. Also medication is not shameful. I personally have bad experiences with therapists (mostly on my end) but medication has been very helpful to me.

[deemoyza]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having an illness of any kind, especially mental illness, where no one can actually see what is happening, is scary, but the right treatment does help, and I'm glad you're talking to your doctor about this.

As for myself, I have depression, anxiety (punctuated by panic attacks), and ADHD. Looking back, I think my depression began during my teenage years, but I didn't get officially diagnosed until 2012, and didn't begin taking medication for it until 2020. In the interim, I spoke with therapists specializing in Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy (CBT), which helped a great deal. My advice to anyone considering therapy is to remember that not every therapist is going to be a good fit for you, and that is in no way a reflection of who you are as a person. Personally, after moving to a new city and leaving my therapist behind, I saw several others before finding one I "clicked" with. Just trust your gut: if you feel that one particular therapist isn't listening to you or is trying to solve your problems before hearing all the details, simply thank them for their time and look elsewhere.

(I do realize that insurance issues complicate the advice above, unfortunately. I ended up seeking help out-of-network, which meant fewer visits, but more productive ones, and that was a good trade-off for me.)

As for medication, there's a whole range of options out there, and sometimes it takes a while to find the right one and the right dose. And again, finding the right doctor/psychiatrist will make this a lot easier. One who understands your medical history and listens to your concerns and feedback can be a wonderful guide to finding the right meds for your condition and working through the side effects. For me, the most notable side effect I've experienced from escitalopram (for depression) was initial drowsiness as my body adjusted to the medication, but everybody is different, so, if going on a medication, just make sure to keep track of any side effects you experience and communicate them to your doctor.

And the need to adjust doses as your body becomes accustomed to the medication is normal, and again, not a reflection on you as a patient or a person. :)

This is getting rather long, but I also wanted to mention that it is helpful to notice the triggers of your depression, as you've done in your post. That the depression hits you suddenly and strongly during the time around your period suggests that there may be a hormonal component to it, which is worth exploring in and of itself. And the fact that you notice it coming on during times of loneliness and sometimes feel hopeless about your future suggest that there may be a situational element to it, as well. And in that case, changing something in your life, like getting a pet to care for (yay, betta fish! they're so pretty! ♥), might help ease some of those symptoms.

Depression is a complicated beast, and sometimes it takes a while to figure out just what is causing it and how to best treat it. There is, unfortunately, no magic pill that will make it all go away, but the right therapy and/or medication can make your quality of life so much better. That you've decided to talk to your doctor about this is wonderful, and the first step toward dealing with this. Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I'm happy to see that you're willing to seek help for it. Sending you all the best wishes and good vibes, and plenty of internet hugs! ❤

[a_natural_beauty]

Thank you, it was a bit nerve-wracking but as I talked to the nurse and then talked to my doctor I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I wonder if I should get diagnosed. How did that go for you?
I actually have been to a few therapists and they didn't feel like the right fit. I have thought about going back and seeing someone again. Right now my doctor put me on a medication (escitalopram oxalate) to try once a day and I go back in two months to see how I am feeling with everything.

Another thing my doctor talked about was writing down my feelings - what brings on the depression, how long it lasts, ect. So I may start to keep a journal about that.

Yes, my lifestyle is too busy for a dog (ideally I want to get one someday) but I love betta fish and I think that'll be a nice change for me. I also have a good amount of plants I love and care for, but I think a fish would be good again.

Thank you so much for reaching out, I appreciate all of your help and kind words. It means a-lot to me. :-) Sending you good vibes and internet hugs back!!

[a_natural_beauty]

That gave me a big laugh! Thank you Matt, I'm glad you reminded me you are a guy! ^^;; And I completely agree with you. I doubt anyone would be bothered by that, but I still felt a-little odd not saying it... it feels like a complicated subject for some.

You bring up a good point, my friend! Thank you!

Thank you, it felt good getting this weight off of my shoulders. My doctor put me on a medication (escitalopram oxalate) and I go back in two months to see how everything is feeling for me. I haven't had much luck with therapists, so you aren't alone.

[a_natural_beauty]

Hey, thank you. I sort of remember you talking a bit about your struggles and in all honestly, having you, Matt and Nana be so open on here gave me some courage. I appreciate you guys. As well as some new friends I've recently made on this site. It's been a comfort to talk about what's on my mind.

You truly went through so much through out the years. I'm glad to hear your parents were there for you during all of that. Not everyone is so fortunate. :-)

So my doctor set me up with a medication (escitalopram oxalate) that I will take daily and in two months I will go back to see how I am feeling with everything. She also suggested that maybe I write down some of my side effects with the medication and also what brings on my sadness and low moods. So I'm going to give that a try.

[a_natural_beauty]

{{hugs back}}
Thank you! Oh yeah, I'm sure 20 years ago the medical field was different to talk about such things! I'm glad you were able to talk to them and it sorted out. Sometimes I feel like I have OCD....

So my doctor got me on a medication (escitalopram oxalate) that I will take once daily and in two months I go back to see how everything is going for me. I think some of the side effects with this one she mentioned and I looked up had to do with insomnia, dry mouth and diarrhea but I think they are not very common.

[adafrog]

It can be hard because you're also worrying if they're going to say something to the board.

I hope it works well for you.

[deemoyza]

I'm glad the nurse and your doctor made you comfortable addressing the issue. It's so nice when they take you seriously.

I was diagnosed with depression in a kind of roundabout way, first through grief, and then anxiety. For a bit of context, my father died in 2011, and I was suddenly the main breadwinner for my mother and myself, and took on a lot of the duties he used to handle. As such, I didn't really grieve properly right away, and that pent-up emotion finally released itself in my first major panic attack at the beginning of the next year. (That attack had all the symptoms of a heart attack, but the ER staff assured me my heart was just fine, and it was all psychological.) So, in an attempt to lessen my stress, I took advantage of the grief counseling provided by the hospice that cared for my dad, and that counselor referred me to a therapist, who diagnosed me with depression based on my answers during my initial intake interview.

As I spoke with her more, we were able to zero in on the extent of my depression, and for the next eight years, CBT was enough to manage my symptoms. (2020 was such a rough year for everyone, it doesn't surprise me that I eventually had to get on medication then!)

I'm happy to hear that your doctor has given you a medication to try out, and tracking your symptoms is also a very good idea. Good luck with your treatment, and I hope you find relief soon! 💕

[a_natural_beauty]

To the board?

Thanks, I hope so too. I'm staying positive.

[a_natural_beauty]

Gosh, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. That is a-lot to take on after his passing! :(

I am glad in the end you were able to get the help you needed and now have what you need to manage your symptoms. That sounds like quite an experience!

Thank you! Yes, she's a good doctor. Also thank you for talking to me about this and offering your advice and kind words.

[adafrog]

Medical board. It's a bit better now, but they were way into your business