I'm learning more about myself all of the time

[a_natural_beauty]

WARNING - this entry will be on the subject of rape, sexual abuse, ect. So take caution while reading. Keep scrolling if this is a difficult topic for you to read about.

So awhile back - maybe a month or two ago - as I was making my way through the Nana manga series I came across a pretty close encounter of sexual abuse that happens in a later volume. This triggered something in me that made me not want to read anymore into that series. I was overall liking it for awhile but then it just turned me off completely. It left such a bad taste in my mouth. The scene was between a couple and I think that's what my issue with it was. I have gone through some sexual abuse when I was much younger and it was with a partner, someone I trusted on a very personal level that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. There was a-lot of deeper issues that went on, some darker things that I may write about some day but I think staying on one topic is best. So I think that because the one character Nana and her (somewhat boyfriend - I don't think they made it official but it's pretty clear they are in a relationship now) boyfriend have a scene where he forces himself on her, she isn't consenting and it's terribly uncomfortable.
Since my incidents of sexual abuse happened I've seen and read about other forms and it was usually always with a person that wasn't a partner. And when it was a partner was when it because a trigger for me. But honestly I can't remember the last time I experienced a forum of media that was between partners. Currently I am reading a book that is called "Our bodies, their battlefields" by Christina Lamb. And that book dives deep into women who are victims of war and their lives are never the same due to so many reasons - one of them being taken into becoming a sex slave by the enemy. I read the first 30 pages today. And while this bothered me it didn't bother me on the level that Nana did, as strange as that may sound. Also A handmaids tale - the books and the T.V. show didn't bother me as much as it did for some because the scenes of rape that happen are not between a couple.
I think it comes down to the feeling I once had for someone who I gave my heart to and hurt me on a physical and emotional level I didn't know what possible. And then still trying to love and forgive that person. It was a troubling time for me. I've read that one can sometimes get over a traumatic experience within a few years - but I don't think this is the case for me. But like the title of this entry says, "I'm learning about myself all the time'.

Comments

[ashleygamer6]

I feel terrible for saying this, but I sexually enjoy being hurt emotionally and/or physically by guys. This sort of broken-girl trash with low self-esteem is so 2009, but I'm working on building my confidence.

[a_natural_beauty]

Oh you don't have to feel terrible about saying that. To each their own! I take no offense.
I'm glad you are working on building your confidence *hugs*

[lily]

I am so sorry about what you went through. Sending lots of hugs if you want them. ❤️

There is no timeline for moving through trauma, IMO. And it's never really about overcoming it, or "getting over" it... it's about acknowledging it and finding a way to live with it. It's about finding a way to control it rather than have it control you. It's not about cleansing, or removal... it's about forging forward, even if you're left with marks.

Learning about yourself is a great thing to do, and I believe that it will take you on that path forward. ❤️

[a_natural_beauty]

Thank you for your beautiful and thoughtful words. I feel like you've hit the nail on the head. There really is no way to "get over it" like you've said. Time I've found helps a-lot at least. I appreciate your hugs. Hugs back ~

[deemoyza]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

There is no timeline for processing trauma and healing from it; experiences are as varied as each individual who has them. It is good to know, though, that you have identified your specific trigger, and have taken action to prevent further discomfort once you encountered it. No story is worth that high an emotional toll.

Thank you for having the courage to speak about something so personal. 💕 Sending you a big internet hug and warm wishes. Take care! 💕

[a_natural_beauty]

Thank you, I appreciate you and your thoughtful and sweet words. I'm glad you understand. It may be a good series to others but I just can't find myself to read any longer and I'm okay with that.
Thanks for the big internet hug, I'll send you one back ~

[matt_zimmer]

Thank you for your bravery, Jess.

[a_natural_beauty]

Thank you for being a friend and welcoming me into this kind community ~

[matt_zimmer]

I'm glad you like it here.

[a_natural_beauty]

Yes, this is my main site I visit anymore when I am on my laptop.

[cornerofmadness]

There is definitely an additional horror in being betrayed by a loved one who abuses you vs a random stranger. Hugs, sorry you went through this. I've been through this but it was someone I knew but wasn't my partner. (Also do not read my some of my Hazbin Hotel fanfic when I slap it up in my journal because Angel (points to icon) is in an abusive relationship with someone who was his partner (now his owner)).

[a_natural_beauty]

Thank you for sharing that about yourself. I'm sorry you went through that as well. Hugs to you back ~
Yes, there is a certain kind of pain in it. Writing about it seems to help in a way, which is good. Thank you for the warning. I will read your other fanfics when you choose to share them.

[cornerofmadness]

thank you.

not all my fanfic for that fandom contains that but it IS canon (I always have it tagged on AO3)

[a_natural_beauty]

You're welcome :)
That's helpful you have tags when they are needed!!

[cornerofmadness]

took me a while to get used to tagging like I'm my students' age. I'm old. I came up with webrings, yahoo groups and then fanfiction.net and no one gave content warnings back in the day. Now I try to be mindful of it Just because I'm not triggered by fiction for the most part doesn't mean others aren't.

And honestly I look at the tags to avoid kinks that aren't my thing more than anything else.

[a_natural_beauty]

You don't mind me asking how old you are? I'm 37, I'll be 38 later this year. I grew up with those, too. So that's why I'm curious if we are similar.

[cornerofmadness]

I don't mind. I'm exactly 20 years older than you. I'll be 58 next month. I've been there for all of fandoms online changes and was there for the paper zine days (some days i miss that)

[a_natural_beauty]

Thank you for sharing :)
Yes, I would say you've been around for a-lot of important changes over the years with the online world.
I've never heard of paper zine days.

[cornerofmadness]

Back in the 80s-90s (and probably earlier no doubt) fandoms were done in the back on the official fandom news magazines and the fandom groups met by zines, basically photocopied booklets of stories and art stapled and mailed to your house. Imagine it! We gave people our freaking addresses!

[a_natural_beauty]

oh yes, I've heard of that! Sounds like fun times. I wish I would have been born a bit sooner at times...^^;;

[cornerofmadness]

It was certainly a different time. I don't regret being young in the 80s but damn how is it my 40th high school reunion this year?!?

[a_natural_beauty]

Aww, do you go to those? I don't have any interest myself.

[cornerofmadness]

nope I didn't like those people back then. Might go to this one because the few people I did like want me to

[a_natural_beauty]

Okay, I hope it works out for the best
<3 <3 <3

[cornerofmadness]

thanks

[a_natural_beauty]

You're welcome!

[frenzy]

FWIW. You don’t have to forgive him. I haven’t. And I have no intention of it. He can rot in hell for taking advantage of me in that way.

Hurting someone you are intimate with on multiple levels is just so fucked.

[a_natural_beauty]

Yes, I do understand where you are coming from on some level. I think forgiveness helped me heal. I've found when I stay mad at someone it just leaves me feeling bitter and I hate that feeling.
hugs to you if you'd like them ~