a_natural_beauty (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
a_natural_beauty) wrote2023-09-19 10:39 pm
a_natural_beauty) wrote2023-09-19 10:39 pm
Entry tags:
Home is where the thoughts are
This week I'm going to write a review soon - but I wanted to take a break and just write what's been on my mind lately. It's nice to take breaks from the reviews and just let whatever flow out of me and on here. I visualize myself in a sea and letting the current take me away. Not a bad thought, I actually went swimming on the east coast when I visited the outer banks once and it was pleasant.
Anyway - I wanted to start off by saying that lately I have been feeling more grateful than I have in the past for being present in the here and now. For those of you who don't know - I live alone, in a big old house that has far too many rooms and space for just one woman. When I bought this house over 10 years ago (2012 was when I bought it) I left a relationship that I was in for over two years. A relationship that after I was in a house on my own with a significant other and doing all those little domestic things, I felt like I wanted to get married and have a family. I was just 21 when I moved out and this was a first experience for me. Before when I was younger the idea of getting married and having kids scared me. He did not, and so that among other things (we were not perfect people, we both had our flaws back then) ended the relationship and I had some options - I could rent an apartment or house somewhere, I could move back home (I think my parents offered) or I could buy a place of my own. So I picked buying my own home. It was hard to find somewhere I could afford , but luckily with my loan I got from the bank, working a ton of extra hours so I didn't completely drain my savings and checking account and finding a house that was in my price range it all worked out.
I remember being angry mostly - that the house I lived in with my ex was going to not be my home and that a relationship I put a-lot of effort and care into fell apart. So when my dad knew of this house and the owner, we got to meet with him and see it. It was december/january - the timing is still sort of a fog, but there was snow on the ground, on the house, in the trees. It felt weird pulling in the driveway with my dad and going through this empty old home. But it felt comforting. I remember us getting there first and peeking in all the windows, making guesses on this and that. After so many bad memories of my last failed relationship, I wanted to make this house into a home for me and whatever my future held. So I told him I was interested after the tour and we got things set up with my bank and I bought it directly from the owner. He asked me if I was doing this on my own and when I responded yes he dropped the price a bit and told me to never live here alone. I sort of laughed at that, but here I am, all this time later knowing exactly what he meant.
Now how I got on this topic - I actually was thinking of writing for a few days now, but it came to me as I sat in my yard today trying to draw my house from two different views. But I felt like this house deserved a journal. I've been here so long, I don't know if I will be here as long as I am living, but this house has become a safe haven to me in a sense. I've had a few relationships since I bought this house that were scary, stressful, unknown and just unhealthy and I wonder how worse off my life would have been if I bought houses with these men. We both had our issues - I was in the wrong, too. With each one. This isn't blaming them, but saying that I might of had to start over again like I did once before if it wasn't for owning my own place. I know of many in these situations and it is heartbreaking.
And over time I would blame myself for buying this house alone - for feeling sad I haven't gotten married or had kids to raise here. Somedays I would come home and just be so depressed I'd sleep on my couch because sleeping is a way to escape reality. And sometimes it still hurts and I think it will on and off for who knows how long, but at the same time I'm glad that my life is the way it is now. Sitting in the grass today and studding my house to draw made me think it again. When I hear stories of women who are in domestic violent relationships and trapped. At least when things got bad either both of us or one of us had the courage to say quits. Luckily each time they had somewhere to go and left me in peace when the pain of the relationship finally faded away.
This journal has gotten far longer than what I first thought! But overall message - even if something seems lonely and unknown at first, sometimes it is best to just go for it with your eyes closed. Take that leap, because looking back, you may learn more about yourself than you ever did before.
Anyway - I wanted to start off by saying that lately I have been feeling more grateful than I have in the past for being present in the here and now. For those of you who don't know - I live alone, in a big old house that has far too many rooms and space for just one woman. When I bought this house over 10 years ago (2012 was when I bought it) I left a relationship that I was in for over two years. A relationship that after I was in a house on my own with a significant other and doing all those little domestic things, I felt like I wanted to get married and have a family. I was just 21 when I moved out and this was a first experience for me. Before when I was younger the idea of getting married and having kids scared me. He did not, and so that among other things (we were not perfect people, we both had our flaws back then) ended the relationship and I had some options - I could rent an apartment or house somewhere, I could move back home (I think my parents offered) or I could buy a place of my own. So I picked buying my own home. It was hard to find somewhere I could afford , but luckily with my loan I got from the bank, working a ton of extra hours so I didn't completely drain my savings and checking account and finding a house that was in my price range it all worked out.
I remember being angry mostly - that the house I lived in with my ex was going to not be my home and that a relationship I put a-lot of effort and care into fell apart. So when my dad knew of this house and the owner, we got to meet with him and see it. It was december/january - the timing is still sort of a fog, but there was snow on the ground, on the house, in the trees. It felt weird pulling in the driveway with my dad and going through this empty old home. But it felt comforting. I remember us getting there first and peeking in all the windows, making guesses on this and that. After so many bad memories of my last failed relationship, I wanted to make this house into a home for me and whatever my future held. So I told him I was interested after the tour and we got things set up with my bank and I bought it directly from the owner. He asked me if I was doing this on my own and when I responded yes he dropped the price a bit and told me to never live here alone. I sort of laughed at that, but here I am, all this time later knowing exactly what he meant.
Now how I got on this topic - I actually was thinking of writing for a few days now, but it came to me as I sat in my yard today trying to draw my house from two different views. But I felt like this house deserved a journal. I've been here so long, I don't know if I will be here as long as I am living, but this house has become a safe haven to me in a sense. I've had a few relationships since I bought this house that were scary, stressful, unknown and just unhealthy and I wonder how worse off my life would have been if I bought houses with these men. We both had our issues - I was in the wrong, too. With each one. This isn't blaming them, but saying that I might of had to start over again like I did once before if it wasn't for owning my own place. I know of many in these situations and it is heartbreaking.
And over time I would blame myself for buying this house alone - for feeling sad I haven't gotten married or had kids to raise here. Somedays I would come home and just be so depressed I'd sleep on my couch because sleeping is a way to escape reality. And sometimes it still hurts and I think it will on and off for who knows how long, but at the same time I'm glad that my life is the way it is now. Sitting in the grass today and studding my house to draw made me think it again. When I hear stories of women who are in domestic violent relationships and trapped. At least when things got bad either both of us or one of us had the courage to say quits. Luckily each time they had somewhere to go and left me in peace when the pain of the relationship finally faded away.
This journal has gotten far longer than what I first thought! But overall message - even if something seems lonely and unknown at first, sometimes it is best to just go for it with your eyes closed. Take that leap, because looking back, you may learn more about yourself than you ever did before.
no subject
Knowing you as I do, I've always seen you as a very upbeat and positive person on your comic pages but that's probably more down to the excitement of your interaction with readers as well as the pleasure you get from talking about the fantasy world you have created in your comic.
But the lovely thing about Dreamwidth is that it feels a nice quiet place to let out all those feelings that we hold back on all the more social sites. Nobody could ever accuse anyone of attention seeking on this site as it's just so quiet! To me that is the beauty of this place.
I've never lived on my own for more than two months after I split with my first partner, and probably because I was also sad at losing her, being on my own felt unbearably lonely at first. After the first month I just wanted to get out and put the place up for rent but the week before I moved back to my dad's I felt more comfortable and regretted not giving it more of a chance.
It's interesting reading this too as I sent you a PM earlier asking if the character Fay in your story had your hang up's about getting married and the answer seems to be right here as you talk of your own early days. I think when I have more time it would be nice to see how glimpses of yourself and your life have found
there way into your comic pages! I just need to get a decent couch for you to lie on first! XD
no subject
Yeah, I feel I can have different moods depending on the topic and what is going on with it. And you are correct, my comic makes me very happy so I love sharing it.
This is a wonderful site (Thanks Matt!) I'm happy to be on here! Quite is a good word for it. Peaceful and just one with your thoughts I feel, too.
Oh that is interesting! Did you tell me that before in our messages? It can be a very hard thing to switch over to, that's for sure.
About Fay and marriage, yeah we are pretty similar. There's parts of all my characters I find in myself. Or I put myself in some of them a tiny bit.
Okay, therapist Sarah! :-p Hope you have fun taking some notes!
no subject
no subject
And I don't think you are nosey! We are friends and I trust you with a good amount! :-)