Home is where the thoughts are

[a_natural_beauty]

This week I'm going to write a review soon - but I wanted to take a break and just write what's been on my mind lately. It's nice to take breaks from the reviews and just let whatever flow out of me and on here. I visualize myself in a sea and letting the current take me away. Not a bad thought, I actually went swimming on the east coast when I visited the outer banks once and it was pleasant.

Anyway - I wanted to start off by saying that lately I have been feeling more grateful than I have in the past for being present in the here and now. For those of you who don't know - I live alone, in a big old house that has far too many rooms and space for just one woman. When I bought this house over 10 years ago (2012 was when I bought it) I left a relationship that I was in for over two years. A relationship that after I was in a house on my own with a significant other and doing all those little domestic things, I felt like I wanted to get married and have a family. I was just 21 when I moved out and this was a first experience for me. Before when I was younger the idea of getting married and having kids scared me. He did not, and so that among other things (we were not perfect people, we both had our flaws back then) ended the relationship and I had some options - I could rent an apartment or house somewhere, I could move back home (I think my parents offered) or I could buy a place of my own. So I picked buying my own home. It was hard to find somewhere I could afford , but luckily with my loan I got from the bank, working a ton of extra hours so I didn't completely drain my savings and checking account and finding a house that was in my price range it all worked out.

I remember being angry mostly - that the house I lived in with my ex was going to not be my home and that a relationship I put a-lot of effort and care into fell apart. So when my dad knew of this house and the owner, we got to meet with him and see it. It was december/january - the timing is still sort of a fog, but there was snow on the ground, on the house, in the trees. It felt weird pulling in the driveway with my dad and going through this empty old home. But it felt comforting. I remember us getting there first and peeking in all the windows, making guesses on this and that. After so many bad memories of my last failed relationship, I wanted to make this house into a home for me and whatever my future held. So I told him I was interested after the tour and we got things set up with my bank and I bought it directly from the owner. He asked me if I was doing this on my own and when I responded yes he dropped the price a bit and told me to never live here alone. I sort of laughed at that, but here I am, all this time later knowing exactly what he meant.

Now how I got on this topic - I actually was thinking of writing for a few days now, but it came to me as I sat in my yard today trying to draw my house from two different views. But I felt like this house deserved a journal. I've been here so long, I don't know if I will be here as long as I am living, but this house has become a safe haven to me in a sense. I've had a few relationships since I bought this house that were scary, stressful, unknown and just unhealthy and I wonder how worse off my life would have been if I bought houses with these men. We both had our issues - I was in the wrong, too. With each one. This isn't blaming them, but saying that I might of had to start over again like I did once before if it wasn't for owning my own place. I know of many in these situations and it is heartbreaking.

And over time I would blame myself for buying this house alone - for feeling sad I haven't gotten married or had kids to raise here. Somedays I would come home and just be so depressed I'd sleep on my couch because sleeping is a way to escape reality. And sometimes it still hurts and I think it will on and off for who knows how long, but at the same time I'm glad that my life is the way it is now. Sitting in the grass today and studding my house to draw made me think it again. When I hear stories of women who are in domestic violent relationships and trapped. At least when things got bad either both of us or one of us had the courage to say quits. Luckily each time they had somewhere to go and left me in peace when the pain of the relationship finally faded away.

This journal has gotten far longer than what I first thought! But overall message - even if something seems lonely and unknown at first, sometimes it is best to just go for it with your eyes closed. Take that leap, because looking back, you may learn more about yourself than you ever did before.

Comments

[matt_zimmer]

It's good to live in a place you feel safe. It sounds like your house is that at least.

[a_natural_beauty]

Yes, it is. Thank you :)

Yes.

[jasonderoga86]

Very good point. When I was younger, in first grade actually -- and definitely NOT trying to sound creepy or anything -- I had my first taste of a "romantic" encounter with a female classmate. Looking back, she was probably just curious, but taking me to some secluded area on the playground just to literally play "let's make out against the schoolyard fence" left a weird impact on me.

Fast forward to 6th grade, where I meet a Latina girl whom I thought liked me. Heck, I was definitely crushing on her at first sight. Turns out she wasn't into me, but she really wanted to be friends. We still are to this day, and she's now a mother who recently sent her daughter to college.

High school, as you probably guessed, was the most intense point of this journey. Another girl I met in middle school was now in 10th grade with me, and I liked her (though I didn't make it known). At one point she got annoyed at a jerk suggesting she liked me because we were great classmates -- study buddies, classroom favorites, etc. -- she retorted that she already had a boyfriend, and I defended her relationship to the bully. But 11th grade... there was a Black girl I met at a student "chill-out" center. Her friend brought her to me asking my name, saying she wanted to be friends. I gave my name, "I'm Nana." (Nana is my true name, "Jason Deroga" is just my nickname, adopted from the main character of my comic Lil' Hero Artists on Comic Fury). The girl pointed to her pal and simply said, "Nina." Nina smiled and asked in a coy tone, "So, what's our kid's name gonna be?" I was out like a light.

Over the following months, Nina was persistent in trying to meet and get to know me. On Valentine's Day of that year, I ran into her and some of her pals in a hallway prompting an immediate hug from her. I greeted her, saying "Hey, Nina." Her face lit up like the Sun as she exclaimed, "You remembered my name!" Alas, since I wasn't sure how to process this, we eventually grew distant to a point where she become cold and silent. I knew I hurt her, so I arranged a meeting at the student center through a counselor to formally apologize. When she arrived and the counselor left us alone to reconcile, I remember how she looked: Her black hair, normally tied in a bun, was now in short bangs, she wore a black tee with a simple pearl necklace, and formfitting dark blue jeans. After we both acknowledged we weren't ready to "get serious", we patched things up -- but we never started over, and after 11th grade I never saw her again. Honestly, I miss her.

Now I have a job helping the intellectually and developmentally disabled. My entire staff -- co-workers and management -- love me, and so do all of our clients. And yet... there's this one girl I see every day, and she's just... she's smart, she works hard, has great work ethic... and I just have to say it: she's really cute. But she's a co-worker, and for conflict-of-interest reasons stated in our policies, I'm forbidden from making any advances on her. I wouldn't outright flirt or be perverse with her, but it does hurt to feel that someone who fits my idea of a perfect match is literally "hands off".

But then I look at my personal situation -- I'm a childhood trauma survivor, a survivor of many racist trangressions, and am currently at odds with my father. He just came home from abroad yesterday -- seeing the person whom, as I had realized just two months prior, was solely responsible for all of my mental anguish since age 6 was confusing to say the least, especially given that back in mid-February on the day of his departure, he callously verbally ripped me and my Mom, a culmination of an emotionally abusive relationship going back as far as 2001. I've been trying to get therapy to formulate a plan to address the split in our bond, but due to countless delayed and cancelled appointments on my provider's end... I got nothing so far. Still trying, though; I have a 1-hour appointment this afternoon to fully start the healing process.

Maybe a relationship is not the best thing for me now... or ever. And after taking all of this into account, maybe it's better that way. Managing my mental turmoil could very well be a relationship killer, and the last thing I need in my life right now is heartbreak. I've seen what it did to many of my friends in the past, and it sounds like Hell on Earth. I know I can't deal with that.

So, it sucks, but maybe it has to be this way for my sake. And for that, I have to be grateful. 🥲

Re: Yes.

[a_natural_beauty]

Isn't it something how relationships can change you? This is actually a good talking point most of us could use as an entry for the future! If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

It seems you have gone through quite the rollercoaster of relationships and romantic experiences. Have you tried looking up that one girl, Nina? Maybe she also is somewhere searching for you and missing you. Sorry, but I'm a hopeless romantic at times.

And that is a shame about your coworker. Do you think she could possibly feel the same way as you? If so and you think it could go somewhere, one of you would just need to switch jobs. Depending on what you think is best, if that is even the case! Just a thought!

You know what is best for you honestly. I think it is good that you are going to therapy. That is something not everyone believes in or even gives a try. So I'm proud of you. I'm sure talking all of this out with them will help you greatly. Thank you for sharing so much of your past with me.

Re: Yes.

[jasonderoga86]

Thanks for lending a friendly ear to listen to my story about my past. Hope it wasn't too long! 🤣

I did try a few times to find Nina on social media, but I haven't found her yet. Part of me won't give up, though. She really did give me a sense of love and acceptance for who I am, which is sadly something my parents are still incapable of fully doing. I'm assuming she's probably in her early 30's, I myself will be 37 by October's end (yeah, I'm a Halloween baby. Weird, huh?).

As for my current "crush"... I think she does admire me somewhat. She talks very kindly to me, and she called me "sweet" for going out of my way to help one of our clients at my job with his wheelchair table without request. That particular client is always using his communication device to say how much he appreciates me. In fact, one day as his class instructor was asking who his favorite comic book superhero was, he grinned and -- you guessed it -- looked at me, nodded, and laughed. Talk about humbling... =)

I just got hooked up for group therapy sessions earlier today, which will kick off early next week. Here's hoping for the best, and who knows? I just might find another significant other hopeful in the group. It's happened before among groups in my school years, and a few people in those groups have jokingly flirted around with me. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. =)

[sarah_skye]

After reading the review I noticed you had written this as well and despite knowing that it's gone midnight and I should go to sleep I felt compelled to read it. It is another very insightful and heartfelt post you have written lately and it's really nice to see such honesty in your writing.
Knowing you as I do, I've always seen you as a very upbeat and positive person on your comic pages but that's probably more down to the excitement of your interaction with readers as well as the pleasure you get from talking about the fantasy world you have created in your comic.

But the lovely thing about Dreamwidth is that it feels a nice quiet place to let out all those feelings that we hold back on all the more social sites. Nobody could ever accuse anyone of attention seeking on this site as it's just so quiet! To me that is the beauty of this place.

I've never lived on my own for more than two months after I split with my first partner, and probably because I was also sad at losing her, being on my own felt unbearably lonely at first. After the first month I just wanted to get out and put the place up for rent but the week before I moved back to my dad's I felt more comfortable and regretted not giving it more of a chance.


It's interesting reading this too as I sent you a PM earlier asking if the character Fay in your story had your hang up's about getting married and the answer seems to be right here as you talk of your own early days. I think when I have more time it would be nice to see how glimpses of yourself and your life have found
there way into your comic pages! I just need to get a decent couch for you to lie on first! XD

[a_natural_beauty]

Thank you for taking time away from sleep to read this! :-p
Yeah, I feel I can have different moods depending on the topic and what is going on with it. And you are correct, my comic makes me very happy so I love sharing it.

This is a wonderful site (Thanks Matt!) I'm happy to be on here! Quite is a good word for it. Peaceful and just one with your thoughts I feel, too.

Oh that is interesting! Did you tell me that before in our messages? It can be a very hard thing to switch over to, that's for sure.

About Fay and marriage, yeah we are pretty similar. There's parts of all my characters I find in myself. Or I put myself in some of them a tiny bit.

Okay, therapist Sarah! :-p Hope you have fun taking some notes!

[sarah_skye]

This made me laugh! You're not the first to accuse me of my therapist perspective! I just get so into people sometimes that I feel a strange urge to understanding their thought processes and it has got me in trouble more than once! Maybe I'm just too nosey!!!

[a_natural_beauty]

Honestly I can sort of see you doing that sort of thing.
And I don't think you are nosey! We are friends and I trust you with a good amount! :-)

[jazznevermore]

I think it's awesome that you started living on your own as early as 21. I'm 21 now and I haven't even done as much as saved up for a place of my own yet, lol.


I plan on living on ny own when I'm in a financial and mental position to do so.

[a_natural_beauty]

Aww, thanks! I appreciate that. :)
Yes, make sure you are in the right place with both of those before you move out. It can be a scary and stressful experience at times.

[adafrog]

:) Well said.