Very good point. When I was younger, in first grade actually -- and definitely NOT trying to sound creepy or anything -- I had my first taste of a "romantic" encounter with a female classmate. Looking back, she was probably just curious, but taking me to some secluded area on the playground just to literally play "let's make out against the schoolyard fence" left a weird impact on me.
Fast forward to 6th grade, where I meet a Latina girl whom I thought liked me. Heck, I was definitely crushing on her at first sight. Turns out she wasn't into me, but she really wanted to be friends. We still are to this day, and she's now a mother who recently sent her daughter to college.
High school, as you probably guessed, was the most intense point of this journey. Another girl I met in middle school was now in 10th grade with me, and I liked her (though I didn't make it known). At one point she got annoyed at a jerk suggesting she liked me because we were great classmates -- study buddies, classroom favorites, etc. -- she retorted that she already had a boyfriend, and I defended her relationship to the bully. But 11th grade... there was a Black girl I met at a student "chill-out" center. Her friend brought her to me asking my name, saying she wanted to be friends. I gave my name, "I'm Nana." (Nana is my true name, "Jason Deroga" is just my nickname, adopted from the main character of my comic Lil' Hero Artists on Comic Fury). The girl pointed to her pal and simply said, "Nina." Nina smiled and asked in a coy tone, "So, what's our kid's name gonna be?" I was out like a light.
Over the following months, Nina was persistent in trying to meet and get to know me. On Valentine's Day of that year, I ran into her and some of her pals in a hallway prompting an immediate hug from her. I greeted her, saying "Hey, Nina." Her face lit up like the Sun as she exclaimed, "You remembered my name!" Alas, since I wasn't sure how to process this, we eventually grew distant to a point where she become cold and silent. I knew I hurt her, so I arranged a meeting at the student center through a counselor to formally apologize. When she arrived and the counselor left us alone to reconcile, I remember how she looked: Her black hair, normally tied in a bun, was now in short bangs, she wore a black tee with a simple pearl necklace, and formfitting dark blue jeans. After we both acknowledged we weren't ready to "get serious", we patched things up -- but we never started over, and after 11th grade I never saw her again. Honestly, I miss her.
Now I have a job helping the intellectually and developmentally disabled. My entire staff -- co-workers and management -- love me, and so do all of our clients. And yet... there's this one girl I see every day, and she's just... she's smart, she works hard, has great work ethic... and I just have to say it: she's really cute. But she's a co-worker, and for conflict-of-interest reasons stated in our policies, I'm forbidden from making any advances on her. I wouldn't outright flirt or be perverse with her, but it does hurt to feel that someone who fits my idea of a perfect match is literally "hands off".
But then I look at my personal situation -- I'm a childhood trauma survivor, a survivor of many racist trangressions, and am currently at odds with my father. He just came home from abroad yesterday -- seeing the person whom, as I had realized just two months prior, was solely responsible for all of my mental anguish since age 6 was confusing to say the least, especially given that back in mid-February on the day of his departure, he callously verbally ripped me and my Mom, a culmination of an emotionally abusive relationship going back as far as 2001. I've been trying to get therapy to formulate a plan to address the split in our bond, but due to countless delayed and cancelled appointments on my provider's end... I got nothing so far. Still trying, though; I have a 1-hour appointment this afternoon to fully start the healing process.
Maybe a relationship is not the best thing for me now... or ever. And after taking all of this into account, maybe it's better that way. Managing my mental turmoil could very well be a relationship killer, and the last thing I need in my life right now is heartbreak. I've seen what it did to many of my friends in the past, and it sounds like Hell on Earth. I know I can't deal with that.
So, it sucks, but maybe it has to be this way for my sake. And for that, I have to be grateful. 🥲
Yes.
Fast forward to 6th grade, where I meet a Latina girl whom I thought liked me. Heck, I was definitely crushing on her at first sight. Turns out she wasn't into me, but she really wanted to be friends. We still are to this day, and she's now a mother who recently sent her daughter to college.
High school, as you probably guessed, was the most intense point of this journey. Another girl I met in middle school was now in 10th grade with me, and I liked her (though I didn't make it known). At one point she got annoyed at a jerk suggesting she liked me because we were great classmates -- study buddies, classroom favorites, etc. -- she retorted that she already had a boyfriend, and I defended her relationship to the bully. But 11th grade... there was a Black girl I met at a student "chill-out" center. Her friend brought her to me asking my name, saying she wanted to be friends. I gave my name, "I'm Nana." (Nana is my true name, "Jason Deroga" is just my nickname, adopted from the main character of my comic Lil' Hero Artists on Comic Fury). The girl pointed to her pal and simply said, "Nina." Nina smiled and asked in a coy tone, "So, what's our kid's name gonna be?" I was out like a light.
Over the following months, Nina was persistent in trying to meet and get to know me. On Valentine's Day of that year, I ran into her and some of her pals in a hallway prompting an immediate hug from her. I greeted her, saying "Hey, Nina." Her face lit up like the Sun as she exclaimed, "You remembered my name!" Alas, since I wasn't sure how to process this, we eventually grew distant to a point where she become cold and silent. I knew I hurt her, so I arranged a meeting at the student center through a counselor to formally apologize. When she arrived and the counselor left us alone to reconcile, I remember how she looked: Her black hair, normally tied in a bun, was now in short bangs, she wore a black tee with a simple pearl necklace, and formfitting dark blue jeans. After we both acknowledged we weren't ready to "get serious", we patched things up -- but we never started over, and after 11th grade I never saw her again. Honestly, I miss her.
Now I have a job helping the intellectually and developmentally disabled. My entire staff -- co-workers and management -- love me, and so do all of our clients. And yet... there's this one girl I see every day, and she's just... she's smart, she works hard, has great work ethic... and I just have to say it: she's really cute. But she's a co-worker, and for conflict-of-interest reasons stated in our policies, I'm forbidden from making any advances on her. I wouldn't outright flirt or be perverse with her, but it does hurt to feel that someone who fits my idea of a perfect match is literally "hands off".
But then I look at my personal situation -- I'm a childhood trauma survivor, a survivor of many racist trangressions, and am currently at odds with my father. He just came home from abroad yesterday -- seeing the person whom, as I had realized just two months prior, was solely responsible for all of my mental anguish since age 6 was confusing to say the least, especially given that back in mid-February on the day of his departure, he callously verbally ripped me and my Mom, a culmination of an emotionally abusive relationship going back as far as 2001. I've been trying to get therapy to formulate a plan to address the split in our bond, but due to countless delayed and cancelled appointments on my provider's end... I got nothing so far. Still trying, though; I have a 1-hour appointment this afternoon to fully start the healing process.
Maybe a relationship is not the best thing for me now... or ever. And after taking all of this into account, maybe it's better that way. Managing my mental turmoil could very well be a relationship killer, and the last thing I need in my life right now is heartbreak. I've seen what it did to many of my friends in the past, and it sounds like Hell on Earth. I know I can't deal with that.
So, it sucks, but maybe it has to be this way for my sake. And for that, I have to be grateful. 🥲